Look Right, Look Left

I look right.  I look left.  I either have to wait or dodge.  Waiting and Dodging.  I’m not good at either.  I have no patience for waiting and dodging….  I just always get hit and I’m out (think dodgeball).

Recently I was in London and I noticed at many intersections, written on the ground, were the words, “LOOK RIGHT” and “LOOK LEFT”.  The traffic runs in the opposite direction of the United States.  It was hard to do sometimes, look the opposite direction, one in which I was not used to looking.  I wanted to do what was familiar, comfortable, my way.

While I was there, I took pictures of those words.  As I was going through the gallery on my phone and saw them I immediately thought about my life journey and which way I am going, which way I am looking.  I am headed in one particular direction, waiting when I need to and dodging when I have to.  There is a difference in need to and have to.  Needing to wait, to me anyway, means that there is something that is necessary, that has to be done like the grocery store, driver’s license, answers to my questions at an information booth.  Dodging when I have to means there is something coming at me that I am trying very hard to avoid: illness, broken plumbing, anything unexpected.  It feels quite often like I am dodging more than waiting, and I don’t like either very much. 

Then I began to think of my relationship with Jesus and how I often seem to be waiting and dodging.  He is telling me to LOOK RIGHT and LOOK LEFT when I want to do what is familiar, what is comfortable to me and not what He wants me to do.  Like I often did in London, I ignore the words, written on the ground in big letters that I can’t miss, but don’t see.  I don’t see them because I want to do things my way.  I go against what the Word says.  I definitely know the Word is there, but I don’t read it. I don’t need to, I know which way to look, which way I’m going. 

By the time I left London, I noticed that if I read the words on the ground and followed them, the waiting time was much less and the dodging was practically nonexistent.  I got to where I was going much quicker and sometimes ahead of schedule.

That’s the way my walk with Jesus is, too.  If I notice His words, really read His Word, looking in His direction, I’m not always hit and out; I’m not nearly as impatient with the wait.  I still have to wait on Him for answers and too often I try to dodge His will for my own and because of that, sometimes my life gets more difficult than it needs to be.  I get where I am going much quicker and find His time is sooner than I imagined it to be.

So… standing at an intersection, taking my time to LOOK RIGHT and then to LOOK LEFT, reading the Word so that I know which way to look to avoid as much waiting and dodging would be the better decision to make, the one that I will be striving to do in my hurried pace of life.

So, I am standing at a very high place and looking out over a city.  I wonder how I got here because it is something I never could have done before.  I know if my children saw me standing near a rail, up high, they’d be saying, “What!  No parachute?!” 

That is me, always afraid to get my feet off the ground and go higher.  It’s so comfortable down here, I can look up, and that’s good enough for me.  Yes, I see how high it is, I see how beautiful it is, I don’t need to go up there to see it, I’m fine down here.  So down here is where I stayed.  STAYED!

Through my fear I was pushed, and I do mean, PUSHED, to go higher.  I fought back with every BUT and WHAT IF I could think of.  None of them mattered; I WAS going to do this.  Even now, writing about it, tears come.

Oh, how many times I have told God no, I didn’t want to go higher.  I am fine right here.  Father, I can see everything, all of You, from here.  And then He pushes and I push back and He says just go and I have fear and doubt.  But the rail could give way, the floor could collapse. What if I pass out from being too high?  The buts and what ifs that seem so logical at the time do not keep Him from pushing and yes I do mean PUSHING, right in the middle of the back!  I push back so hard that I know if He moves His hand, I will have no choice but to fall down. 

He has His own buts and what ifs.  BUT I won’t let you go, WHAT IF you let me walk with you.  Won’t you at least try to trust Me. 

I prayed for God’s strength to walk up those stairs, go up in that elevator.  I did it.  I wasn’t happy, not excited, only apprehensive to go there and it took me quite a few minutes, or maybe half an hour, to finally walk to the edge just for a picture, to prove I was there.  And the experience was something I will never be able to replicate.  Being higher, up there, it was more beautiful than on the ground.  To stand and look for miles over a city that, from the ground, looks nothing like it does from the sky.  It is one of the best things I have ever done!  One of the best things I was pushed into!! 

This high place just happens to be the Eiffel Tower in Paris.  I’ve now been to many high places: the Cathedral in Cologne, Germany, inside the London Eye, the third floor hotel room in Amsterdam ( I always stay on the first floor or got a different room) to name a few. 

WHAT IF I hadn’t done those things?   I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to feel Jesus hand in my back, to hear His voice asking me to try to trust Him, to truly realize His Word is true, He will walk with me to a higher plain so that I can see more of Him, more of what He wants me to see that is inside of me.

I am coming out of what’s comfortable and going to a higher plain.  I am trusting God to give me His Son to push me to where He wants me to go.  I’ll be listening for His voice to guide me and remind me I can trust Him. 

My Life Story

I seem to have people all the time telling me I should write my story.  Some have said it would be a great self help book, to help others that may go through what I have. 

Today I stopped into Half Price Books and looked in the self help section.  I was actually looking for a particular author, but I as I started looking through all the titles I noticed there really are no books there for what my life looks like.  It seems I have always been looking for a book that describes my life, something I can relate to.  It just doesn’t exist on those bookshelves.  There are books on divorce…. Okay, I’ve done that… Lots of books on dealing with children, emotions, aging parents, sibling rivalry, and the list goes on and on.  There are no books on how to deal with the fact that I lost my husband and three youngest children all in one day.  There was no car accident, no major catastrophe that killed my family, although there was a great tragedy that has separated us and has changed all our lives drastically.

Then I come home and my Bible is laying there and as I pick it up I remember all the dysfunctional families there were in that book.  David, in all his great king-ness, had an affair and had the husband killed and incest consumed his family. Joseph, as a young boy, was taken from his family and not reunited until they were all adults.  Job suffered many, many losses and even when he was made fun of and ridiculed and given bad advice by friends, he knew who God was and kept the faith.  There are so many stories of sibling rivalry, depression, stealing, lying; everything that a person could imagine is in the Bible.  Jesus was mocked, spit upon and told to defend the lies that had been told about Him, but He stayed silent and was crucified, even though innocent. 

I guess there is a self help book for me.  There hasn’t been anything that I have gone through that I haven’t been able to pick up my Bible and read something that I can use to get through a day, an hour, a moment….  It’s all there, my life and what I have gone through.  I have no doubt this is the best self help book ever!  It comes so alive for me when I am at my deepest low, I know that someone many years ago, has felt the way I do, had the same emotions, the same question of “God, why me?”  Even Jesus asked His Father why He had forsaken Him.  So if I ask it, I know I’m in good company!! 

So, there is a Book about my life, my story as lived through men and women that have suffered great losses and tragedies, but who remained faithful and followed the same God that I do.  They trusted the same God, the One that lives and allows His Son, Jesus, to hold me so close that I can feel His heart beating with mine and carries me in a way that I feel His breath on the top of my head.  When I read my Self Help Book, I am led to stories about these men and women and am told, “See, you aren’t alone”. 

Will I ever write a book about my life?  I don’t know, but in the meantime, I’ll continue to recommend the Self Help Book of my choice, the one that has already been written about my life.   The Bible.

**The papercutting is what I call a "paperdoodle".  I just saw one of my daughter's reading, doodled it and cut it.**

This papercutting is of my son, Kinzington, when he caught his first fish. 

He had a whole can of worms and he was so afraid to pick one up to bait the hook that he was dancing around all over the place, not wanting to touch them.  Then Grampa came over and, with me standing close and watching, encouraging, Grampa said, “Kinzy, just calm down and we can do this.”  My father in law very carefully, with so much patience, helped him to not be afraid, to put the worm on the hook, cast the reel and land it carefully in the water.  

Then he caught that little fish, but Grampa said it’s small, he shouldn’t keep it.  But, in his eyes, it was this huge largemouth bass, he couldn’t let it go, he called it, “MINE!”  Grampa finally convinces him, in only logic that he can have, that it would be better for him to give it back so that God can take care of it. So, with little 4 year old tears, my son put the fish back into the water and asked God to take care of it.  He learned he had to trust God that it would be okay.

Sometimes my problems seem enormous, insurmountable, and unsolvable!!  I have this quote by Ashleigh Brilliant that says, “It’s not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line”.   Everything seems to hit at once.  They are my can of worms.  I am dancing around, afraid to deal with them.

God has given me wonderful friends that He speaks through.  Depending on the situation, this couple seems to be like my father in law and me, one will stand close, watching and encouraging while the other tells me, “Robin, just calm down and you can do this.”  They then help me to not be afraid, put the worm on the hook, cast my reel and land it carefully in the water. 

Then I get this problem and even though it's small, I want to keep it; I want to say, “MINE!”  With so much patience, my friends remind me that I have to give it to God so that He can take care of it.  Quite often, through grown up tears, I place it gently in my Lord’s hands and ask Him to take care of it, that I just can’t keep it.  I have to trust God that everything will be okay.

Oh, the times that I have thought some small, little fish was really a largemouth bass!  I thought the little problem was “MINE”, too big, even for God.  My humanness takes over and thinks if I hold onto it long enough, it will be okay.  I am so thankful that I have friendships that God is the center of so that I can hear His voice when they speak.  To remind me that I can’t keep it, I need to trust that it will be okay, if only I give the problem to Him to take care of. 

Hair.   A year ago I had hair almost down to my waist.  It was hard to tell how long it really was,  because it was always in a ponytail or a bun.  When I wore it down, it just looked bad.  Then I was at the mall with my friend, Judy, and I told her I should get a haircut.  We were outside a salon and she drug me in.  Okay, not really drug me, but highly encouraged. 

I signed in and waited.  We commented on who I would get to do my hair.  We laughed when the girl with pink hair and the nose stud came into view.  I hope it’s not her!  What kind of haircut would she give me?  Then we commented on the muscular guy, clearly gay, would it be him?  Then there was the more conservative older woman, would I get her, I could probably trust her to give me a good cut. As we waited, there were other comments made about some of the other stylists we saw.   Then they told me Misty would be doing my hair.  Misty, a sweet name…  Then she came to get me…. the girl with pink hair…  Well, Judy and I looked at each other with that look that close friends give each other and laughed.  Oh, no, what was I in for?!

It was a very emotional day for me.  This was the start of my “new beginning”, I was getting a haircut.  I was crying and Misty was asking me if I really wanted my hair cut.  Through tears, I said “yes, I have to do this” and “no, I didn’t want to save it or donate it”.  Then Misty looked at Judy, who confirmed those were good decisions.  Then the cutting began.

She went shoulder length and I said, “Shorter”, then about an inch shorter and I said, “More”.  When she finally finished it was below my ears, at my jaw and it looked great!  Misty had done a wonderful job and could not have been more caring.  Through the year, Misty has continued to do my hair, going a little shorter each time.  I have learned through hospital stays and not feeling well, short hair is much easier to care for. 

Everyone noticed my hair right away and that it was a new start for me.  Truly, new beginnings!   People don’t necessarily see what is going on inside, but they see my hair, how that has changed and that it has been very positive. 

Recently I have thought about changing hairdressers.  The cost is going up and I have wondered if I could afford it.  My friend, Judy, recently found a new salon and I went with her for her first visit.  That is something I wouldn’t normally do, but I was looking for somewhere, too.  Judy looked good and seemed happy with the results. 

Last week I went to the shop to make my first appointment.  I sat outside and prayed about it, feeling a little uneasy.  I always am… It’s my hair!!  I couldn’t do it.  I called and made an appointment with Misty.  I knew what it was going to cost me and prayed God would somehow provide the money and  whether I was really supposed to stay with Misty.  I know that must sound weird.  Praying over something as silly as a hairdresser, but think about a woman and her hair; it’s a HUGE deal!! 

So yesterday, Misty did my hair.  It wasn’t necessarily the best cut I have had.  But, that isn’t really why I was there.  Misty had been out sick for a week.  She told me that she came in yesterday because when she called to get her client list, I was on it.  She knew I’d be coming in yesterday.  She had some questions for me.  She opened her bag and took out 6 pill bottles and asked me if I took any of them.  I pointed to the ones I either am taking or have taken - all 6.  She then proceeded to tell me that she is 27 and dealing with a possible diagnosis of colon cancer.  She is going through more tests this week. She asked what she could expect and I told her.   Misty knew she could ask me because, as all women do, I talk to my hairdresser.  She knows what I have been dealing with, medically, for the past year and has heard me vent about past issues and how they are still affecting me today.  I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 27 years old.   I am very familiar with her fear. 

So… I didn’t get a great haircut, it’ll grow.  I know that God has put me with her for a different reason.  She needs an intercessor, someone that will stand in the gap for her, to pray for her and tell her how God can help her through it.  He sent His Son to walk with me and I know He wants to do the same for her. 

The next time you do your hair, think of Misty and pray for her.  Just like the rest of us, she needs Jesus, to see Him face to face, daily in her struggles. 

As I wait for my hair to grow, I will use the smaller curling iron and hope it looks good.  I’m glad my hair grows fast, but more than that, I’m glad Jesus guided me to Misty.

(This cutting is of my daughter, Kallista.)

The papercutting is titled, "Who will you be?".  When I did this cutting I envisioned the girl asking the blank snowman that question.   Actually, I was thinking today that perhaps it is the snowman asking the girl, "Who are you?"  I am over 50 and have no idea what the answer to that question is.

This blog is a first for me.  It will be a way for me to record my journey to who I am, who I am becoming.   I am trusting God to lead me where He can use me the best. 

I am open to feedback, suggestions, encouragement and even criticism.  The thing I'd like most is prayer for my journey.  My desire is to remain in my Father's will.  In my humanness I know that I will mess up.... that's just what I do.  But He seems to keep bringing me back to the place He wants me to be. 

I will be sharing about my artwork, my garden and how my house is messier than it ever has been. I may even share with you some of the amazing people God has given me to share my journey.   I will also be sharing about my walk with Jesus, what He shows me and how He is with me in the most minute things. 

Thanks for joining me.